IF

warning: this post is going to be way more reflective and revealing than anything i've ever coughed up on the internet. i'm going to trudge into the scary world of honesty and personal information, and i might not even hide under the cover of humor (might being the operative word, of course). it will probably also be rather, um, loooong. basically, i fully intend on weirding you out. for the sake of my feelings of author's integrity, however, it must be done.

here's your clue: "my heart is like a big tooth that has a cavity, and it can only be filled with CHILDREN!" name that movie, and i'll give you a cookie--when you come to visit us, naturally.

so let's just come out with it already: nick and i have been trying to grow a baby since november--november 2009, that is. i know a lot of our buds already know this, but for some, this might come as a bit of a shocker. and it should, because we've both always been advocates of young couples waiting several years before bringing forth spawn into the world, giving themselves time to enjoy and develop their relationship, get educated, and have awesome "life experiences" pre-parenthood. we'd fully planned on following that course when we got married. in fact, i think most people think that's what we've been doing, seeing as we, you know, moved to thailand. and what sane person makes plans to move to thailand (jobless, of course) a mere 3 months before the hypothetical arrival of a baby?? imagine explaining that plan to your parents for a moment. yours would probably react similarly to ours, by the way.

plans, however, never go as planned, at least in my experience. when i was 7, i was going to become a "girl who sells popcorn and hot dogs at the rodeo" and/or grocery store cashier. plans change. when we'd been married just 7 tiny months, i had an experience that i don't feel the need to share (yay for very thin boundaries) that let me know that our plan to wait 4 years needed to change.

WE FREAKED OUT.

we were not ready for a baby. i was in the middle of a hundred grad school applications, and nick was still two semesters away from his undergraduate degree. plus, c'mon, a baby would totally cramp our fabulous style! not to mention the fact that we are still babies, ourselves; nick still thinks it's funny to sit on whoopie cushions in public, for pete's sake! also... we had heard rumors that offspring are expensive and a total time-suck. and that you get fat and grouchy when you're pregnant. and that birthing a human is not as fun as creating one.

basically, ew. we'd always been super stoked about being parents, but we'd certainly planned on waiting for a reason. after a few months of soul-searching and a whole lot of praying--oh heavens, i'm even bringing religion in here; we're just going all kinds of crazy today!--we decided to listen to the big man upstairs, and i threw away my applications. i know many amazing women who have done grad school with young kids, but i finally admitted to myself that i am not that woman--or at least i wasn't, not then. i started exercising regularly for the first time since high school. i started taking prenatals. i learned about what actually goes on in my body every month (side note: ladies! do not be ignorant about your bodies! i am embarrassed about how little i actually knew and am shocked that most people are the same; if you don't even know what a luteal phase is, i beg you to wikipedia it! know your body! end of "gross" and overly emphatic side note). i researched my prenatal care options. i read waaaay too many pregnancy/newborn articles and books. nick almost cried when i showed him a picture of a placenta, and i thought he was going to have a heart attack when our neighbor went into labor in early november; he thought she was dying and did not look forward to seeing me at that stage. nevertheless, we kicked the birth control.

and i remained very, very unpregnant.

the first month was a bit of a relief, although a surprise, seeing as our parents were stinking jackrabbits. the second month left me bawling. i transition quickly in my desires, apparently. months 3-6 were a nightmare for poor nicholas; kind of a, "hey, elyssa... this is totally normal. and remember how we're still really freaked out about parenthood and will probably lose it when you do get pregnant? why must you freak out so violently?" period.

friends told me to enjoy it while it lasted or gave us helpful pointers, like, "just have a lot of sex!" as if we might not have thought of that one. our parents slowly stopped asking at the onset of every phone call, "so?? any news???" and started saying things like, "it'll happen! just stop thinking about it!" incidentally, this is difficult advice to follow for people who are really impatient and/or suddenly paranoid that their bodies are damaged goods.

you see, i have always known that my body is rather wacky. i've even been aware that my babymaking parts are not as cool as some other people's, seeing as they liked to cause all sorts of grief throughout high school (i told you i'd be revealing!). for some reason, it never even occurred to me that those problems might affect my ability to get pregnant. i can even remember many nights spent comforting my freshman roommate, telling her that her fears that she would never have children were entirely baseless (which they were. lau, why did we even think about that sort of thing when we were 18? i love you...) and that she would obviously have an entire circus of brats to do her bidding, and why would anyone even think otherwise? of course we can have children! it's what our bodies were designed to DO! it's their PURPOSE!

now, i'm not saying that i will never get pregnant. i'm definitely not saying "it's too late for me!" i'm 23, for crying out loud. there is every possibility that next month will bring a post entitled, "and it turns out it's not a parasite, after all!" but the fact remains that, according to the medical community's official labelling process, i am i.n.f.e.r.t.i.l.e. and no matter how old you are or what your plans are, it hurts to learn that your body might not be able to "fulfill its purpose." after a recent trip to a fertility doctor--definitely a post in itself, but an amusing one this time, so i'll wait--nick has been cleared of "blame." i have been given... a question mark. i have yet to complete the extensive blood work, but the doc wants to start me on one of the many pills designed to coax resisting wombs into bearing fruit, because, "well, it doesn't look like there's anything seriously wrong... but, you know... there's obviously something wrong with you." hehe. trust me, lady, there are few that would disagree with you.

i don't want to give the impression that i am cavalier about this. i have spent many hours screaming into pillows. i have had total breakdowns in baby aisles, which, by the way, is completely unacceptable in thailand--negative emotions do. not. get a stage in public; uncontrollable weeping has, therefore, caused me some embarrassment once or twice. in june, following a rather dramatic disappointment, i locked myself in my room for 24 hours and refused to eat--also, shockingly, not acceptable. i have hurled nasty words at my sweet husband, whom i deemed "not upset enough" by, if nothing else, my pain. i have yelled at God for asking me to throw away my chance at higher education in order to flounder around in rural southeast asia, where i seem to be unable to find a real way to contribute to the professional path i so passionately want to pursue while i get depressed about not getting something i didn't even want in the first place. in short, i have illustrated what it means to lack faith. i have been a total wiener.

here is the truth: not getting pregnant after 12 months of legitimate trying does land you in the technically infertile camp, and we're at 14. there is a high probability that i will never get pregnant, although there is still a good chance that i will, and i don't discount it at all. the fact of the matter is that either way, this is not the end of the world. there are far worse things, and after a year of needing to be hit on the head with a frying pan, i am able to say with all honesty that i am grateful for this experience. it has taught me what i really value. it has taught me not to judge anyone for their choices. it has taught me patience.

it has cemented my convictions that there is nothing on this earth more important than strong families. this yearning i feel to be a mother has made me look at other mothers and their children--women who are strong in the face of enormous challenges, and women who are taught to believe that they cannot support their babies in the midst of angry, unfeeling poverty and abuse. there are too, too many children without mothers who end up in the worst of situations. the family is falling apart all over the world, and there are things i am, perhaps uniquely, equipped and eager to do to fight that decay, and many of those things are so much easier while i still have no one to care for but myself (and nikolai, of course, but he's usually able to feed and clothe himself all right). recent months have shown me that those promptings i felt a year and a half ago were not a mistake; perhaps ironically, we would not be here if we hadn't planned on being parents to a 4-month-old right now. and i know without a doubt that we are supposed to be here, and i could not be more happy that we are. the path we wanted--NEEDED, if we were to have worth in this world--to pursue a year and a half ago seems so empty compared with where we're heading. there are great happenings on the horizon, and i no longer feel apprehensive about our future in any way.

i know we are being led. i also know that we will be parents, at some point. maybe our kids won't look like us, and maybe they won't come to us as babies. unfortunately, it turns out that adoption is not as painless nor as easy as despicable me makes it look--whoops, there goes the cookie prize--but whatever is supposed to happen most definitely will, and we will be parents. i know this. and when it happens, regardless of how, we will appreciate that blessing infinitely more than we would have when i demanded it be handed over. we will be much better parents than we would have been, because we are so much stronger in our marriage for this experience. we are so much stronger in our trust in God and in our commitments to keep asking and doing.

so, while i'm still going to feel that ache, i'm finally in a place, emotionally, where i can turn it into a positive influence when i'm deciding what to do with myself. stay tuned for the revelation of that upcoming project, dundunDUN! it's exciting finally to be able to say that we're straight-up stoked about whatever it is that's heading our way, with no qualifiers attached. we are excited. we can do this.

and oh, by the way... so can you. because who's NOT going through something that makes them want to scream into pillows occasionally? but in the end, it is going to be all right. if people in far more dire situations than i will ever be in can say it, then i most certainly can, as well. everything is going to be all right, in the end.

and because this novel needs an ending,
here it is.

(to whomever you are: thanks for reading. for some reason, this has been begging to climb into the internet for weeks. now just prepare yourself for a slew of soapboxes on poorly researched and executed orphanage projects, foster care, birthmother rights, and family support organizations... and, of course, human trafficking. stout hearts unite!)