"When mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" -ubiquitous

key words: my girl is mad, date, how to please women, quantum physics, fmylife.com, definition of date, why

this post goes out to Beau - who said that men who write blogs are not real men.... read this blog and judge for yourself... it's not very manly. I'm ok with that.

This is a bit of a discourse, so pardon my soap box, but after dating half the girls at BYU and being married a year (ok I only dated 3 girls at BYU) I have learned some lessons the slow way and I wish to share this knowledge lest any of you endure similar circumstances longer than me. This blog is mainly to guys, but (as Beau would support) all of elyssa's girl friends will surely be the first to find it, so to get your man friends to read it, I have figured out a sure strategy: tell him nick wrote a blog making fun of him... invariably he will read it. That is how guys get each others' attention... that and punching each other. Now I can talk to the guys... sucker, you're reading a blog, how manly do you feel now... so easily manipulated. I am a slow learner and wanted to share this knowledge, for what it's worth, because I could've been making elyssa happier for much longer had I understood it earlier, and hopefully I can entertain you in the process.

First I will start with the man's definition of a date:

If it is past 6 on any weekday or any time saturday, and you do anything fun with your girl--it is a date.

Before I present my current understanding of the girls' definition, I will try to convey how girls feel when taken on a date that meets a dude's minimum requirements. To do this I will simply tell a story of what could've been any of my perfectly legit man-certified dates:

It's Friday afternoon and I am riding my bike home from school. Every day, I swear it's on the same corner and by the same brilliant individual, a girl on her cell phone just about runs me over. ...people... Well, this week has been killer, I hardly had any time to think between homework assignments, tests, and papers. Not to mention I practically live in the physics lab. I'm so glad its finally the weekend! Finally, I have some time to relax. At this point I'm about 2 blocks from home and have dodged one or two other prize winning drivers, and I start thinking... "What should we do for our date tonight?" After I get home I kiss my wife and we talk for a sec, I veg on the couch, and start thinking what to do.. my whole week feels just like this moment, I've been cramming for deadline after deadline. My wife is busy doing something so I start googling (i guess thats a verb now bc my mac didn't underline it with red) museums, bowling, restaurants, movies... yeah its pathetic, but don't tell me you've never done this. Seriously, I've found many blogs with lists of ideas just for Provo.

At this point I will break from the story line because I want to express the variety encapsulated in the next step:

1. I find out my neighbors aren't doing anything either and I think, "Ah ha! My girl loves group dates." We then do something like make dinner together and play some games.

2. I ask my girl if she would like to go to a movie and/or dinner. I also ask which movie and which type of food she's feeling like.

3. Somebody calls and asks me if I want to do scenario #1.

4. I say any number of the following: "Would you like to go to _______ or do ______?"

5. Say, "I saw _______ advertised at school today, I think we should go."

6. Proclaim, "I'm really tired this evening, I was thinking we should stay home, make dinner together, snuggle on the couch, and read/watch a movie." I then start looking through the fridge aimlessly, wondering, "What should we make?"

After this, the date works out great. We have a lot of fun doing whatever activity on which we've decided. Things are routine, and that says to me that I did a good job, because girls love a consistent man.

Now the part that has blown my mind over and over. The part I hope at least one of you will recognize and this blabbing will help you with:

After several weekends of this excellent job I've been doing, my girl is completely frustrated with me. However she expresses it, men know. Dinners are curiously bland, she's extra groggy in the morning, fewer smiles, when I get home she doesn't attack me (in a good way), on and on. Finally, at the peak of our frustrations, I've been asking her over and over, "What's wrong?", and she finally explodes. This is both fascinating and scary at the same time (I generally chose to remain very calm because I am not sure if the volcano has erupted or is about to). I am finally getting good information but not in the way I wanted. We've all been there. At some point she exclaims, "I just wish you would take me on a date once in a while!"

...... what? I've been taking her on dates every weekend. Oh man, she's really crazy this time, those dang hormones really throw her off. I'll just wait it out again, every month it passes.

So I maybe try extra hard on the next date, but its kind of tainted because she asked me for it, and that somehow makes it less special, but she's glad I heard something and things seem to get better. But this repeated many times for me before I got it. Yeah, you'd think that a physicist was better than that at analyzing cause and effect, but ... women and quantum physics have a lot in common. We are a lot better at predicting the probability of certain occurrences than exactly when they will occur and for what reason.

Sorry that was so long, but I feel the need to be thorough.

Now the woman's definition of a date:

Any time, any day. You have something planned, and you do it. Also, there is some evidence throughout the date that says,

Principle #1: "See, I had to plan this in advance, otherwise it wouldn't have worked."

And Principle #2 (I can't underestimate the importance of this next point) "Also, notice how this took effort (from miniscule to colossal, it doesn't matter)." These two combined say,

The great realization "He's been thinking about me when he didn't have to and he really loves me."

(as a side note I recommend refraining from relying on the actual saying of the realizations. They will appreciate it, but rarely believe it. I'm currently analyzing a theory that we should almost never say I love you, because it is almost always trying to make up for our lacking to show it. In the mean time, at least say "I love you" when it seems like a good idea.)

Now, because of the essential principles included in the woman's definition of the a date, you can see why the man-certified date fails.

My every action after I got home violates principle #1. First I was not eager to go anywhere, then I ask questions like "this or that?.. what kind of food/movie?... what should we make for dinner?" All of these scream, "I obviously have no plan." You have already failed. Also, spontaneous decisions like hanging with friends as described in scenario 1 or 3, are especially tricky. This may work once in a while, but still violates the first principle. To be safe, I recommend calling each other inconspicuously and making it seem like it was planned all along.

In fact that is the 1st rule of redemption: when you have no plan, never use language that indicates it.

If you aren't sure which restaurant to go to, pick one. There is good food everywhere. I think you can probably get chicken sticks and salads at Thai restaurants these days. Same goes for movies, activities etc. Act like you have a plan!

Now, principle 2 is not as obvious as for how to fulfill it. This comes down to the quality of the date and is not easy to wing. It is rarely the quality of the activity, movie theater, restaurant, and usually things like... I wrote this little poem for you, which you hand to her on the date. Or, something like... "when I was researching this place online, I found out they have this special thing... or nearby there is this special place.." This obviously shows effort. Any gift or special activity that is beyond the reach of face value, is sure to convey the message in principle 2.

However, principle 2 can rarely be done with little preparation. It is for this reason that principle 2 is so important to women: it is genuine. So the 2nd rule of redemption is (this goes out to Kori; if that makes no sense, ignore what is in these parenthesis)

1a. watch lots of James Bond movies and learn to be suave on the spot.

2b As (1a) is very unreliable, you should scramble! in every sense of the word, get busy.

3c. This is the winner by far.. actually plan your date ahead of time and actually put in effort.

This has been long, and if you made it this far... it is probably because you need it. I in no way claim that everything I have said is an absolute coverall for every woman. Remember, quantum physics. This is what I have learned and until I prove it wrong, and while my girl is still happy every morning, I'm gonna keep doing it. As a disclaimer, I am not suggesting any great revolution. If you read carefully, it was the subtle differences between the definitions in dates that matter. It takes little time to write cute notes, send thoughtful texts, and the like, and the return is great!

may all men make their wives happy.

now think about what you've done while you watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ltAGuuru7Q

also all women who read this, please comment on its accuracy. This should be a forum for the benefit of man. A simple I agree would be helpful.