i have a dilemma.

but first, please note the cleanliness of my living room [minus recording paraphernalia]! this is a big deal!

[look! a ghost! on my laptop! hehehe...]

it's called the "i want to do music but am intimidated by my lack of skills in the execution arena, especially when it comes to recording, because i'm extremely embarrassed by anything and everything that comes back at me on itunes, because my voice cracks and flies around, and i can't keep a beat, and every single thing i write sounds exactly the same" dilemma, a phenomenon quite common among college students, i believe.

i think it's because i'm an anal-retentive perfectionist "whose self-deprecating humor makes her well-liked among her peers" (thank you, dear high school counselor, for your recommendation letters that got me into college), who is more afraid of criticism than she is excited about "art."

also, it's quite often not exactly about the music for me, as anyone who's heard it might guess.

sadly, peon that i am, it's more about the word vomit, the need to expel thoughts and feelings that hurt or embarrass me. and for some reason, it seems like a good idea to stick them to power chords and record them for my family to listen to at illegal volumes early in the morning when company comes to visit.

the other half of my dilemma is that i don't know how to work the firebox. 

my brother paul always did the techie part of this endeavor, and now he's in finlandia, useless to me in my time of need. it never seemed like all that involved of a process, but now cubase just keeps beeping at me and saying i have no input, when i clearly do. two inputs, in fact. i wish i weren't so dumb. i smell a job for nikolai coming on...

those are my self-absorbed and irrelevant thoughts right now, not set to power chords, but still embarrassing. hooray for the internet!